I had an epiphany. So, I thought I’d share it with my friends!
Do you ever have a week where the stars align unconventionally? That was my week. At first, I was upset. I felt anger eating away at me. That was only Monday. By Wednesday, I started to calm down a bit. I had developed a sense of zen. Everything that was getting under my skin became slightly funny. That’s how I chose to handle it. One of my best friends spent most of our teenage years reminding me it’s better to laugh. “Learn to laugh at life. Or life will laugh at you.” Who would’ve thought it would stick? By Friday, I was letting the world roll off my shoulders.
After a couple of drinks that night, it hit me!
I don’t need my feelings to be validated by anyone else. I am writing (and saying) this with a sense of confidence I’ve never felt before.
Let’s go back, back to the beginning. (Did anyone else sign it?)
It started when I did my personality tests. The questions were what I anticipated, but my answers weren’t. For the first time, I saw real growth. Like, who is this girl? Is she a real grown-up?
Now am I putting a little too much faith in personality tests? Maybe. But I’m someone who has a better understanding of things when I can see them. Also, when I have to answer uncomfortable questions. It really puts things into perspective.
I can sit here and list all of the uncomfortable questions. I think I’ll just stick to the most uncomfortable one.
It’s something along the lines of, “Do you need others to like you?” This question makes my skin crawl. I’m not sure if that’s because I’ve grown or because of who I use to be.
I’m not ashamed of who I’ve been. However, I do wish I’d learned some life lessons a little earlier in life. I guess that’s life, though, right?
I don’t hide the fact that I’m insecure, like very insecure. It’s part of the reason I’m so proud of the confidence behind this one. So, no one is surprised here when I say I NEEDED people to like me. Emphasis on the past tense!
I think it’s super common to crave people’s affection. There is nothing wrong with that until it starts to consume you. At what point does it become more about them than yourself?
For me, it’s always been a double-edged sword. I’m a people pleaser, which invites this need for acceptance to the party. Growing up, I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted to be that universal friend, which doesn’t feel like an uncommon thing. It was all well and good as a kid. You know, sharing snacks and my 120 Crayola box. I mean, it had a sharpener and every color you could want! Being liked felt almost as natural as liking.
But things change. When you start to get older, it becomes a competition. Is it worth competing? I can say from personal experience it’s not. However, it’s a lesson that you need. It’s all part of the sucky side of growing up. I only recently realized what my addiction to other affection did to me.
My experiences have helped make me who I am, but I wholeheartedly believe I’d be different. I have spent the better half of my life being a chameleon. Or maybe a chunk of clay. I let everyone else tell me who to be. I let people tell me who I couldn’t be. I let criticism with no constructive source have a say. At the time, it felt right. You know, I had friends, people liked me. I felt important. But what did I compromise?
Nothing felt like a compromise because I had what I wanted. At least I thought what I wanted. I got to an age where I tried to fight it. Then I realized no one liked it. Did no one like me? Or did no one like the backbone I straightened out?
When most of my friends were no longer my friends, it hurt. But I felt free! I had the right to be who I am without any influence. Something about people’s opinions didn’t feel so important anymore.
People’s opinions don’t matter unless they’re the people who love and support you. It was a hard pill to swallow, but not everyone is going to like me. No matter how nice or sweet or caring or respectful. That’s okay! I’m not going to like everyone either. What matters is being respectful.
I believe that we put too much pressure on being liked. Why do we need everyone to like us? As for me, I don’t like myself very much. So, I looked for that admiration everywhere else, in every person I met. That wasn’t fair to them, just like it wasn’t fair to myself.
I think there’s a fine line between like and respect. If we like someone, it means we automatically respect that person. That’s not true. We don’t always respect people. We expect to be respected, especially by those who like us. Sometimes we assume that there’s an unwritten rule. We don’t believe these people could break this rule. So, sometimes we don’t realize the disrespect. Sometimes we take it as a thing to change.
I know that not everyone likes me. I accept that now. It’s been a long road, but it’s been interesting.
There’s been one point in my life where I realized early-on that someone didn’t like me. Full disclosure, I tried hard to get this person to like me. I even changed aspects of my personality. This person wanted me to talk more, so I made an effort. I tried to be more outgoing. I tried everything, but eventually, I accepted it. This person did not like me. I told this person that I knew. I mean, this person didn’t exactly try to hide it. So, I slightly confronted this person. I’m still not good at that! I told this person I knew. I told them it was okay! This person, in a mocking tone, said they did like me. I’m not sure to this day if that tone was intentional. I’d bet on it, though! I realized that I wasn’t upset about the dislike. I was upset because there was no respect. This person didn’t respect me.
Being liked by everyone doesn’t matter. There will come a time where those people won’t be there anymore. They won’t remember what they liked or didn’t like. What they will remember is being respected. We ALL deserve respect. So, be respectful, even to those who don’t know how yet. Always be the better person. I promise it’ll drive those people crazy.
Is it crazy that we haven’t gotten to the epiphany yet? There was a lot of groundwork to be set.
I don’t need to be validated by anyone. That’s it. That’s the epiphany!
I never thought about letting go of people’s opinions. I didn’t realize what dominos would fall. I mean, in hindsight, it makes sense. Why would I feel the need to be validated by someone who doesn’t like me? In the name of full disclosure, I don’t feel the need to be validated by those who do. It definitely feels good to be validated, but it’s not everything.
I use to be hellbent on being validated. Not to be mistaken with needing to be right all the time.
I thought I needed someone to validate me. Like, it would make my thoughts, opinions, or feelings mean more. It didn’t. I’m still the same regardless.
Which leads us back to Monday; isn’t it fun going full circle?
Someone informed me that I did something wrong. Now, I’m all for admitting when I’m wrong. I’m totally cool with it unless it’s not true. I wasn’t wrong. I knew I wasn’t wrong because I double-checked the thing. I was in the right! For two days, it ate away at me. I needed this person to know I wasn’t wrong. I talked to a few people and expressed my disdain. The longer I sat with it, the more I realized how childish I was being.
Why did this person need to know I wasn’t wrong? What difference was it really going to make? It’s not like I was getting a gold star for being right.
I knew I was right. Three other people knew I was right. That person knowing wasn’t going to make a difference. All that really mattered was what I knew about me. I validate myself! That’s what matters.
Don’t put so much pressure on the acceptance from others. If they don’t want to come to the party, that’s their loss, just like their validation isn’t a necessity for living.
Sometimes we need to be our own hype man. So, do it proudly! Those who are going to like you will come and cheer you on. Those who want to validate you will be among the crowd. As long as you can accept yourself, that’s what’s important.
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