I’ve been on a relationship kick. I realized that I’ve never had the opportunity to work through a lot of things. For the first time, I feel like I have a place to speak up and work through all of it. I feel like a lot of what I’ve experienced is common, but I don’t feel like we’re open about it. So, that’s what I’m doing today. Today, I want to be open and honest about an embarrassing time in my life.
I’ve mentioned a couple of times about the toxic relationship I had a few years back. The move-on phase was almost as toxic! I’m telling all the toxic tales!
First and foremost, I’d like to say that moving on from anything should never make you feel embarrassed or ashamed. At the time of my move-on, I wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed. It wasn’t until years later that I started to feel this way. I never understood what people meant about getting perspective until I took the time.
He’s Just Not That Into You is a book-turned-movie dedicated to understanding men’s minds. Don’t get me wrong; it’s one of my favorites. It was an eye-opening experience that I had way too young. We have no problem explaining why someone might not be into us, but we have a problem explaining relationships. Why isn’t there a book that discusses the ins and outs of relationships?
I understand that no two relationships are the same, whether we’re talking romantically or platonically. Having different experiences allow us to learn about people and ourselves. However, some aspects are the same. For example, the move-on phase is something we’ll all experience at least once. So, why hasn’t someone written a book of basic facts?
I’m not a relationship guru or anything, but I feel like I have the basics down pact! I also feel like I have a good understanding of what not to do.
During our relationship, we broke up like four or five times. Each time was worse than the last. I never blocked his number or unfollowed/unfriended him. In the age of social media, there are so many steps to a breakup.
The final time we broke up was when I finally did it. Do I wish I had done it sooner? Of course, but as you’ll see, hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20. I didn’t realize how important it was to establish a sense of space. It was like a new world! I’m not saying that you can’t be friends with an ex. I’ve heard that it works for some people. However, you both need to heal before heading down that road. It can be easy to fall back into old habits. It takes 21 days to break a habit, so give it like a month. Or you can leave it at that.
It was hard at first; it hurt like hell, but it was worth it in the end. It’s strange to go from talking to someone every day to not talking ever again. It’s cliche, but it gets easier every day. Does anyone else hate when a cliche is right? Like, thanks for rubbing it in.
It’s not enough to just stop talking. You also need to get rid of everything that’s theirs. I don’t think any of us realize the impact inanimate objects have until they’re staring at us. They don’t speak, but they have the most stories to tell. I know it can be hard to give someone their stuff back, especially if communication has stopped. If you can’t get things back to their owners, hide them!
Our second breakup, I tried this. I didn’t do a great job! I grabbed everything that was around and put it in a box. I put that box under my bed. I had it pulled out and emptied within twenty minutes. Needless to say, if you’re going to hide things, hide them somewhere you won’t be tempted to look.
Our final breakup, I got the best of both worlds! So, once all communication had stopped, I got rid of everything. I was away at school, so I physically cut up all of the photos I had. These photos included us, us with our friends, and just my friends. In the name of full disclosure, I didn’t just cut up those photos. I had gone out that night, and unfortunately, I had beer before liquor. I can assure you that is not a myth. There was an odd cathartic feeling puking on all those clippings. However, I would not recommend it.
Since that was my apartment up at school, I had the same photos at my parents’ house. I still have all those photos that had a very American Pie ending. For me, it was the best-case scenario. I was able to have my very emotional breakdown and take a cathartic stance. But also keep the memories. Do I need those pictures? No, but I like knowing that I have them. I can look at those photos without crying or feeling lonely. It reminds me that the grass is greener on the other side.
As for his personal belongings, I gave him back one hoodie because it had his name on the back. As for his favorite hoodie, I donated it two years later. I was cleaning out my closet; it didn’t bring me joy.
Going through a breakup can cause strain on multiple relationships, not just the one that’s ending. My move-on phase took a toll on a lot of my friendships. I mean, I don’t blame any of them. When you’re struggling with a relationship, it can be easy to unload on everyone, especially your friends. Before I give the wrong impression, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that! I mean, that’s part of the friend’s contract you sign when you pick me. However, I took it too far. After the third breakup, my friends were tired of my crying and complaining. They weren’t mean about it. How many times can you advise someone to stop before you give up? The answer is 4-years. You can’t force someone to listen, especially when they’re so freakin’ stubborn. I’m so freakin’ stubborn. I did lose friends, but my most real friends are still around! I love them to absolute pieces! They all deserve gold medals for putting up with me.
If you or someone you know is going through a move-on phase, this is the SparkNotes version of our future best seller!
I’ve shared the importance of creating space between you and the person. I’ve also shared the importance of hiding or getting rid of reminders. Now, I’m going to share the importance of listening to those around you! I’ve said this before, but I’m going to share it again! If three or more people are telling you the same thing, you should listen to them. People on the outside looking in usually have a much more level perspective. Sometimes we need other people’s opinions. With an emphasis on the sometimes!
This last bit isn’t exactly a tip. It’s more of a personal preference from my experience. I wish I didn’t cry as much. I think we can all agree that sounds a little emotionally stunted, but hear me out first. I don’t think there is anything wrong with expressing emotion in any way that you see fit. I occasionally like to throw things. There’s cathartic energy to it! I think taking the time and letting all the emotions out is essential. However, I wish I put a cap on the crying aspect. As important as it is to release emotions, I think it’s just as important to take power back. Looking back, I realized that I fed into those emotions a little too hard. Instead of releasing those emotions and trying to build me back up, I let them tear me down. I want to make it clear; it’s okay to feel whatever emotions you feel. But don’t let them control you! Harness that energy into bad-ass energy!
So this is a tip, but it isn’t my tip! I’ve been watching Jennica and Annica on YouTube. They’ve branded themselves as the “modern-day Gilmore Girls.” As a huge Gilmore Girls fan, I agree! Highly recommend them if you haven’t checked them out yet! But recently, Jennica (the mom) did a Q & A session with her mom. Towards the end of the Q & A, Jennica asked her mom the best advice her mom gave her. Jennica’s mom said to essentially always be the best version of you after a breakup, which she misunderstood! She thought it meant to wear a brand new outfit and sort of show them what they’re missing. What Jennica’s grandma meant was to show off the inner good that’s inside you! Regardless, Jennica had some fierce outfits after breakups!
In my opinion, they both had it right! Be the best version of yourself in a killer outfit. I mean, don’t you feel good when you’re wearing something good? Not that you need new clothes for that! Just put your best foot forward.
Moving on can be a hard time, but it’s the perfect time for growth. I say take it at your own pace. It’s different for everyone! I hope that my experience can help someone. Or at the very least entertain you!
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