I miss you.

I have not been taking care of myself. 

I have not sat down to write in 6-months. I have cut off all of my creative outlets unintentionally. And I have been feeling low. 

I’ve created this mental space that’s taking a toll on me. I am notorious for bottling my emotions and storing them in my deep dark dungeon. You remember the place next to my broken ballerina dreams. My writing was and is the space that feels safe to let those emotions breathe. Without it, I’ve felt like I’m suffocating. 

I don’t want to suffocate anymore. 

There have been a lot of factors preventing me from pushing past this mental space. First and foremost, my day job. I adore my job. It allows me to work in an environment that incorporates my first passion, music. With that statement, I work crazy hours, and I work for extended periods. I love it, but it has left me drained. On top of work, I have also been in a creative rut. Everything I do, I give my all. If I can’t give my all, then I give up. Don’t be like me. Be better than me. 

Recently, I have found myself falling back into old habits. I have been so concerned with what people think about every aspect of my life; that I now have this paralyzing fear of living. I am constantly second-guessing my decisions. I’m a Gemini, which means I’m indecisive by nature. Sprinkle a fear of judgment on top, and you have the perfect recipe for overwhelming insecurities. 

I used the pandemic to work through a lot of those. And I did very well. I created this space, founded my podcast (I miss her), and established a small social presence. Those were accomplishments I never thought I’d make. 

I want to get back to that for me. This post is different than the last time I posted in January. As much as I wanted to be back, it didn’t feel authentic to me. I wasn’t in the right headspace, and I didn’t have the motivation to find the time to give my all. 

I’m ready to give my all. I want to work through some of these insecurities. I accept a lot of my insecurities. Just like I understand, we all live with insecurities. But I refuse to accept a fear of living and a fear of judgment. 

With that, I’m back, babes.  

Who missed me?